Does your ex still love you but doesn't want to be together? Yes. It is possible to love someone but not want to be with them. In fact, it is more normal to still love your ex after breaking up, even if you don't want to be together.
Loving someone vs wanting to be with them (in a relationship)
Loving someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them are two different things. Think of love as something that happens to us, a universal energy that draws us to someone, exists without reason or agenda, and is a constant source of acceptance, comfort, and joy. When we love someone, we feel this energy whether they are present or not; and causes us to act positively towards them all the time.
On the other hand, a relationship is something we make. We consciously choose who we want to associate with. There may even be a couple of other equally good options available; we'd probably strongly favor both or all of these options. But we choose who we want to have a relationship with based on many factors. For example, how we connect emotionally, how we communicate, trust, support, respect, have fun, attractiveness (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, etc.), compatibility (i.e. interests, dreams, beliefs, values wait). ) ..).
In many cases, love and affection are complementary, love comes first, and affection follows. Sometimes, like in a "we were friends before we fell in love" relationship; there is the relationship, and then the love. In some cases, two people who are not in love enter into a relationship (or marriage) because they are committed to each other. In some cases, two people who love each other deeply cannot be together due to various reasons. For example, suitable time, time or place, religious or cultural differences, distance, one or both parties are married, etc. .
It's Normal to Still Love Your Ex After a Breakup
As I said before, it's very common and normal to still love your ex after a breakup. When a relationship ends, it's usually because one or both people no longer "feel" the relationship they want to be together. That doesn't necessarily mean they're not in love anymore. Sometimes this means a person (or both) feel:
- It's as if they don't want to be together anymore. They lost that feeling of being in love. They love each other but don't feel loved.
- The relationship is no longer what they wanted. They wanted it at some point, but now they don't.
- They can't be together because the relationship doesn't work the way it should; it doesn't meet your needs, it's problematic, it's even toxic.
The emphasis here is on "feeling". Feelings other than love are temporary, they are triggered and shaped by our perception of reality and can be influenced positively or negatively. Since relationships can and do change, there is always the possibility that someone who still loves you but doesn't want to be with you will feel differently.
This is one of the reasons why I am against "no contact" as a tactic to win someone back. Most people who don't connect think that because their ex doesn't want the relationship anymore, he doesn't love them anymore. They act like they don't love their ex anymore either, sometimes treating their ex like an enemy (I'll ignore you, I'll make you jealous, I'll dehumanize you by refusing to acknowledge your existence).
If an ex still loves you but doesn't want to be together, respect their feelings.
If an ex still loves you but doesn't want to be together, the answer is not to try to make him feel that you don't love him, make him feel as hurt as you do, or make him regret his decision to break up. It's just that their feelings have changed, and often for a reason. You may not like or agree with the reasons why your ex doesn't want to be with you, but at least respect their feelings.
Remember, relationships change all the time. Today they may feel that they love you but don't want to be together, next week or next month, they may feel differently. But if you act like you don't love them anymore, don't care if they live or die, and try to make them feel like they're worthless, then you're negatively affecting how they feel about you and with you.
Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I still loved someone but felt like we couldn't be together because [insert reason for your ex's breakup here] and they treated me the same way I treated my ex ?Like they do what they're doing because they love me and want me back? Do I want to get back to someone like that??
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is not only good advice, but also a wake-up call.
Disadvantages of loving someone but not wanting to be with them
The downside of loving someone but not being together is that two people in love can break up and get back together again and again. This on-off relationship can continue until one person decides to let the other go, or until it's completely impossible for them to be together. It doesn't necessarily mean they're no longer in love, it means they've realized being together isn't an option anymore.
But it doesn't have to end that way. A relationship can still go on if you're willing to find out why it still doesn't work despite the fact that you love each other very much.
Sometimes you may still love your ex and things just don't work out, but sometimes things don't work out because you didn't give the relationship an honest chance. You let your ego and/or attachment style get in the way of love, or choose self-preservation strategies over relationship-building ones.
I see this at work almost every day; two people who clearly still love each other, ruin their love for each other because they can't keep the relationship:
- Punish your ex for not wanting to be together instead of acknowledging the reasons for the breakup and making the necessary changes.
- Blame and over-critical instead of looking at yourself and taking responsibility for your actions.
- Overreacting to what the other person has to say instead of trying to understand their point of view and/or empathize.
- Playing power game mental games (eg who reaches out first/most, who watches IG stories, etc.) instead of communicating directly and honestly.
- Expect your ex to miss you (or do something that makes your ex anxious or jealous) instead of creating new positive emotions and new attractions.
- Hide your true feelings instead of being vulnerable and making the other person vulnerable too.
- Create unnecessary drama and conflict instead of safety and security.
- Put pressure on things and rush things instead of slowly building a strong relationship over time.
- Trying to "fix" an ex (and their attachment style) is more secure than trying to be.
- Focus on the things you don't want, but do nothing to make the things you want to see happen.
The list is long and it boils down to not giving the relationship an honest chance...you wonder why someone might love you but not want to be together.
Loving someone may not be in your control, but wanting to be together is okay, it's just something you can do about it.
related:
3 Ways Being Friends With An Ex Leads To A Reunion
Your Ex Said He Missed You, But You Didn't Get Back Together
FAQs
Can you love someone but not want to be with them? ›
Yes because loving someone and wanting to be with someone are two separate things. loving is a feeling and as such you have no control over it. You feel full stop, whether you want it or not.
What is it called when you love someone but don t want to be with them? ›Unrequited love involves having strong romantic feelings toward another person who does not feel the same way. It is a one-sided experience that can leave people with feelings of pain, grief, and shame.
Can you be in love but not want a relationship? ›Whether it's because you love life as a single person, don't feel ready for a relationship, or just aren't sure where you fall, it's okay to feel happy as you are. If you don't feel like you need or want a partner, you are justified in that decision.
Is it possible to like someone and not want to be with them? ›Remember that it is possible to love someone without being in love with them. Focus on developing platonic relationships with others. You might find that you can still experience the benefits of love without all of the complications that come with being in a romantic relationship.
Can a guy love you and not want to be with you? ›If you know your man loves you and if he's told you as much, then he might be pulling away from a relationship because he's simply scared of feeling this way. It could be the first time he's ever been in love with someone. For guys, this can be a difficult emotion to process.
Should I tell him I love him even though we can t be together? ›If he is not your boyfriend, you shouldn't tell him that you love him. Even if you feel like you love him, he may not respond well if you tell him this. Ask him if he is single. If he is single, let him know that you would like to get to know him better.
What causes love avoidance? ›The origin of this behavior is often rooted in traumatic childhood experiences which caused significant emotional damage to the individual. Almost always the cycle of avoidance can be traced back to a destructive relationship with a parent.
What's the difference between love and infatuation? ›Whereas infatuation tends to happen very quickly and involves a strong attraction, love is a much deeper experience of knowing someone fully, feeling bonded and close to them, and caring about them in a way that's both enduring and not centered around how they make you feel.
What defines a situationship? ›Clinical psychologist Vijayeta Sinh says a situationship is simply a relationship that hasn't been defined. This could be due to a lack of willingness from both people to define the relationship or a lack of commitment towards one another.
How do you know you love someone? ›When you're in love with someone, you'll start to develop strong compassion for them. The powerful urge to be connected to this person brings new aspects to your relationship, such as emotional or physical intimacy, passion, and a desire to know everything about them, and be known by them in return.
How do you know if someone is not right for you? ›
- You want a relationship more than you want the person. ...
- You're self-conscious. ...
- The relationship doesn't recover from arguments. ...
- Your PDA is more affectionate than in private. ...
- You're hoping some things about them will change. ...
- You don't trust them. ...
- You have to pretend to be interested, or vice versa.
Passionate love feels like instant attraction with a bit of nervousness. It's the "feeling of butterflies in your stomach,"Lewandowski says. "It's an intense feeling of joy, that can also feel a bit unsure because it feels so strong."
How do you know when a relationship is over? ›If you're not sharing what's really on your mind, it might be a sign that you no longer want a deep connection. Similarly, if you've found that the usual fun banter between you is gone, or it's difficult to have engaging conversations, your bond could be getting weaker.
How to end a relationship with someone you love but don t want to be with? ›- Think over what you want and why you want it. Take time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. ...
- Think about what you'll say and how the other person might react. ...
- Have good intentions. ...
- Be honest — but not brutal. ...
- Say it in person. ...
- If it helps, confide in someone you trust.
If someone isn't willing to commit right now, sure, they can change their mind, but it's unlikely. It doesn't matter why someone might not want a relationship, but if that's what you were looking for, this can put you in quite the bind. Here's what to do if the person you're dating doesn't want a relationship.
When should you let go of a man you love? ›Simply stated, if the relationship is causing more hardship than anything else, what's the point? "When you fight more often than not, it's time to consider leaving. And if even at its best the relationship was never really good, you'll likely be happier if you leave the relationship," Leeds tells mbg.
Am I in love or not? ›When you start thinking about someone else's desires and needs as much as your own, it's a pretty good sign that you are in love, Shaffer says. "You may not necessarily want the same things but when you are in love, you start thinking of the other person's perspective just as much as your own."
How long does it take the average person to say I love you? ›Their findings suggest: Men often think about expressing feelings of love first. On average, it took them 97.3 days to consider saying “I love you,” while it took women just about 138 days to consider saying the words. Men didn't just think about confessing before women.
What are the signs of avoidant love? ›Avoidant partners tend to talk more about independence rather than closeness, freedom rather than intimacy, and self-reliance rather than interdependence. They fear clingy people or being seen as clingy themselves. Avoidant or unavailable partners tend to believe they can only depend on themselves.
Is a love avoidant a narcissist? ›Love avoidants are often narcissistic, self-important and self-involved. By being focused on himself, he is able to avoid becoming closer to his partner. He changes drastically in a relationship. Love avoidants tend to do a 180-degree change during the course of a relationship.
What are the characteristics of a love avoidant? ›
Love Avoidants fear vulnerability, intimacy, dependence, and genuine love. This avoidance of connection stems from difficulty developing healthy attachments in their early life. It is a form of self-preservation. Love Avoidants fear giving up control, seeing their independence as the only way to get through life.
What is empty love? ›Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and develop into another form, indicating "how empty love need not be the terminal state of a long-term relationship ...
Am I in love or just infatuated? ›Infatuation is often a fantasy-based, passionate longing for someone else. It can prevent you from acknowledging their weaknesses, and may even land you in an unhealthy situation. Love is often based in reality and is fed on closeness and knowledge of the other person.
Is it love or obsession? ›Love is a feeling when a person wants the best for the one he loves, and always wants them to be happy, even if they are not part of his life. On the other hand, obsession is a crazy feeling where the person wants the other to be his or her's only.
How long is too long for a situationship? ›How long is a situationship supposed to last? Situationships can last for a few days, weeks, months, or even years. Just like in other relationships, there's no expiration date unless one or both of you choose to end the situationship and move on.
Do I want a situationship or relationship? ›Situationship is another the current term for 'hanging out' or when two people who are exploring a 'thing'. It's considered a casual relationship without a label. Relationships in contrast, usually start out serious because two people have strong feelings for one another.
What is it called when you re talking to someone but not dating? ›Less than a relationship, but more than a casual encounter or booty call, a situationship refers to a romantic relationship that is, and remains, undefined. "A situationship is that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship," explains psychotherapist and author Jonathan Alpert.
How do you know you met your soulmate? ›You know you've found a kindred soulmate when you pretty much agree on all of the small and big stuff. “You love the same things; laugh at the same jokes; agree and disagree with love and affection; compete with gusto but without bitterness or jealousy. These people share the same journey toward truth and love,” Dr.
How do you know someone is your soulmate? ›A few telltale signs you've found a soulmate include a feeling of instant recognition and knowing each other, being inexplicably drawn to each other, and accepting who the other person is in totality.
Do I love him or am I in love with him? ›It's Just Love If: You Aren't Fully Attracted To Them
You may have love, but not be in love, if you enjoy spending time with your partner but aren't attracted to them. “There has to be an element of passion, desire, physical attraction to go from love to being in love,” Cramer says.
What is it called when you don't want to be with someone? ›
03/7'Aromantic' is the word
Aromantic is the word that describes, 'a person who has no interest in or desire for romantic relationships'.
lithromantic (not comparable) Experiencing romantic attraction without a need or desire for reciprocation.
What is love philophobia? ›Philophobia — a fear of love — can negatively affect your ability to have meaningful relationships. A painful breakup, divorce, abandonment or rejection during childhood or adulthood may make you afraid to fall in love. Psychotherapy (talk therapy) can help you overcome this specific phobic disorder.
What is it called when you love each other but not in a relationship? ›Less than a relationship, but more than a casual encounter or booty call, a situationship refers to a romantic relationship that is, and remains, undefined. "A situationship is that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship," explains psychotherapist and author Jonathan Alpert.
Why do situationships hurt so much? ›Dr Olukotun also explains that for people who lack a secure attachment style, a situationship breakup can feel especially painful because it confirms a fear that is developed during early childhood: that someone they care about might unexpectedly one day abandon them, or cannot be depended on.
How long does a situationship last? ›Situationships can last for a few days, weeks, months, or even years. Just like in other relationships, there's no expiration date unless one or both of you choose to end the situationship and move on.
What is a situationship relationship? ›Clinical psychologist Vijayeta Sinh says a situationship is simply a relationship that hasn't been defined. This could be due to a lack of willingness from both people to define the relationship or a lack of commitment towards one another.
What is nebularomantic? ›Nebularomantic is a romantic orientation used by neurodivergent individuals. People who are nebularomantic cannot differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction because of their being neurodivergent. For this reason, neurotypical people should refrain from using this label to describe themselves.
What is Akoiromantic? ›Akoiromantic/lithromantic: a person who experiences romantic attraction but has no desire or need to have their feelings reciprocated. Sometimes an akoiromantic person's attraction may fade if a romantic relationship is established.
What is aromantic love? ›Aromantic people have little or no romantic attraction to others. They may or may not feel sexual attraction. An aromantic person can fall into one of two groups: aromantic sexual people or aromantic asexual people.
What is Nyctophobia? ›
Nyctophobia is an extreme fear of the dark. This phobia is very common among children but can affect people of all ages. People with this specific anxiety disorder may have trouble sleeping, have panic attacks and may avoid leaving the house after dark.
What is autophobia? ›People who have autophobia have an irrational, extreme fear of being alone. A person may experience this fear when they're alone. Some people may have autophobia even when they're with other people. In this case, the fear centers on worries about isolation. They may feel alone in a crowd.
What is Sarmassophobia? ›'Sarmassophobia is a fear of dating and relationships,' explains Krystal Woodbridge, Psychosexual Therapist and Relationship Counsellor. 'It very often comes from childhood experiences. That can happen when, as a child, you have been neglected a lot.
What is a half love relationship? ›Half-relationships range in definition from a mistaken one-night-stand, two friends with romantic complications (including but not limited to: sex, kisses, awkwardly long hugs, sharing of deep secrets, occasional hand-holding, etc.), silent yet always-obvious crushes, and so on.
What is a pseudo romantic relationship? ›Pseudo-connection is contact that stabilizes a relationship without offering any real emotional contact. In other words, you're talking without really saying anything.
How do you know if you truly love someone? ›When you're in love with someone, you'll start to develop strong compassion for them. The powerful urge to be connected to this person brings new aspects to your relationship, such as emotional or physical intimacy, passion, and a desire to know everything about them, and be known by them in return.